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Caught in a spiral of fear and despair, Angie thought about suicide and routinely cut herself, went

From the Worcester News, first published Wednesday 28th Nov 2007.

ANGIE Green has been down some dark roads in her life - but rather than running away from her demons, she opted to stare them defiantly in the face.

She has been doing so ever since and is not about to back down now, even though she knows the fight against the anger, isolation and despair which laid her low for so long is far from over yet.

Angie, who suffers from borderline personality disorder, confesses she was caught in a spiral of fear and despair, entertained thoughts of suicide and routinely cut herself, indulged in binge-eating and abused alcohol and drugs as an escape from the pain gnawing away inside her.

The overpowering emotions she describes may be familiar to anyone who has, like her, suffered the crushing lows of this often-misunderstood disorder.

Angie, aged 32, of Dines Green, Worcester, said people often associated the condition with violence or aggression but in many cases this anger and frustration turns inwards, against the sufferer.

She said: "I would describe borderline personality disorder as a problem with regulating emotions. It can include strong mood swings which last a short time but are very intense. It can lead to self-harm when people have negative views of themselves. A lot of these emotions are directed inwards. Life can feel overwhelming. You feel like you can't deal with life - certain things just seem to put on your knees."

Angie becomes upset if small changes happen in her life, like a missed appointment, because it disrupts the regime which helps her feel in control of her life.

She was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in 2005 after 12 years of treatment for depression.

Some experts say personality disorders are untreatable but Angie disagrees - although she accepts that medication has not proved effective.

She spent a year in intensive therapy at Main House in Birmingham, a referral-only residential community offering help for people with the disorder.

The therapy was intense, with two therapy groups a day, five days a week.

Talking groups, drama, teamwork exercises and everyday chores helped residents to explore their emotions and achieve a sense of balance.

They were also expected to come off medication - in Angie's case diazepam, a form of sedative.

At one point she left Main House to get drunk but had to return to face up to the other residents who were concerned but also angry and upset at what she had done.

Angie, who has not touched alcohol in the last four months, said: "For me, self-harm was a way of avoiding emotions I didn't want to face. I have cut myself to relieve tension in the past. That's something I think is under control now. I have held down full-time jobs, even when I was getting drunk and taking speed (amphetamines). I'm having to face up to things. I don't now have those escape routes but I feel healthier than I have ever felt before. Things feel more real."

One of the main sources of support to her has been the Worcestershire Mental Health Network, in the Angel Centre, Angel Place, Worcester.

Angie has written in-depth about her experiences for the network's magazine, Phoenix, which features articles and poems written by people with mental health issues.

She heard about the group, a registered charity, through her social worker, who gave her a leaflet about it.

The group celebrated its 10th birthday in October and aims to give a voice to people with mental health issues, developing their confidence and even giving them the opportunity to take part in paid work.

Angie says the organisation has been instrumental in developing her confidence, so much so that she is now in a position to begin helping others with mental health issues.

Angie has already got involved with the Spectrum Training Group, which aims to increase awareness of mental health problems among various organisations, including the police and housing associations.

She has also worked as minutes secretary for the Worcestershire Mental Health Network, keeping a record of what happens at board meetings and says her experience has been one of the keys to her transformation.

Angie said: "I felt I had been given so much and it felt like I could use what I have learned to give that back to someone else. I can see how valuable it is. I want to make a difference to people. I feel I have picked up a lot of skills doing group therapy which has given me some insight. It has been a dream of mine, one, I never thought I would come close to realising. To go through the process feels amazing but a bit scary too."

She is now studying an AS level in psychology at Worcester College of Technology in Deansway.

MENTAL HEALTH HELP THE FACTS

The Worcestershire mental health network:

Aims: To challenge the stigma around mental health issues and to improve mental health services for everyone in the county.

Membership: Free. Members include people who have suffered mental distress, carers, supporters, health and social care professionals and related voluntary groups. All members get sent a copy of the charity's newsletter and their magazine, Phoenix.

Where: The organisation is based at the Angel Centre, Angel Place, Worcester. For more information about the organisation, visit their website at www.wmhn.org.uk or, to join the Worcestershire Mental Health Network, e-mail info@wmhn.org.uk or call 01905 724583. You can also fax the organisation on 01905 23061.

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